


raised by wolves

by stefonzolesky



Series: alive but i can barely move [1]
Category: Rawhide (TV)
Genre: Idiots, M/M, Trans Male Character
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-01
Updated: 2019-08-01
Packaged: 2020-07-28 18:48:22
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,834
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20068828
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/stefonzolesky/pseuds/stefonzolesky
Summary: “I’m fine, Mister Favor, I swear it.” Rowdy tries to balance himself up a little better, but he ends up falling forward against Favor’s chest.“Rowdy.”“Sorry, Boss.”





	raised by wolves

_ The first thing that Gil Favor notices about the kid in front of him is how tall he is. Then, how scared he looks. _

_ “Can I help you?” is the first thing he thinks to ask. _

_ The kid scratches at his cheek. _

_ “You’re doin’ a drive,” He says.  _

_ Favor blinks. “That I am. You lookin’ for a job?”  _

_ “Could’ve said it myself, Mister…”  _

_ “Favor, Gil Favor.” _

_ “Mister Favor. I was workin’ up to it, anyway.” He looks Gil in the eye for the first time, and there’s definitely something there, useful, and Favor’s gut twists because he knows he’s gonna need this kid at some point, whether it be sooner or later.  _

_ “I think I’d be useful to you,” The kid is saying, and he looks pretty sure of himself and the things he’s saying, even though it’s obvious that he’s nervous. “I already got a gun of my own, and I’m tough, tougher than I look. I been through things, you know.” _

_ “Hard to come by someone who hasn’t.” Gil finally lets his gaze wander to the rest of the drovers, then back to the kid. “Didn’t catch your name.”  _

_ The kid blinks. He hesitates.  _

_ “Rowdy Yates, sir. Now I know I’m young, and I know I look--” _

_ “How old are you?”  _

_ “Nineteen, but I swear it, sir, I’ll do good by you.” _

_ “I believe you.” _

_ “Now, Mister--...” Rowdy falters. “You what?” _

_ Gil isn’t sure what makes him say it, but it’s not far from the truth. Rowdy has something. Potential.  _

_ “You good for being ramrod?” He asks.  _

_ Rowdy looks shell-shocked, but he recovers fast. “Whatever you want me to do. I won’t let you down, Mister Favor.”  _

_ Gil nods. “We’ll see how that goes.” _

_ Rowdy grins. _

+

Before he knows it, Favor is trusting Rowdy with everything along the drive. Sure, the kid is clumsy and hotheaded, and he definitely doesn’t know when to quit, but in the simplest of terms, he’s  _ good. _

“Am I able to go to town today, Mister Favor?” Rowdy asks him while he’s grabbing his breakfast. “I have to pick somethin’ up, if I can.”

Favor nods, standing aside so that Rowdy can take his plate from Mushy. He leans against the wagon, and Rowdy crosses to stand on his other side. He bites into his bread.

“What things?” Gil asks. “We might already have some. Wouldn't want you wasting your money.”

“Wishbone asked me to pick up some bandages,” Rowdy says. He scratches at his cheek -- a nervous tic, Gil has learned -- and stares at his shoes, dragging his toe in the dust. “On account of we’re running low, and one of the guys riding drag got his arm cut open last night. Had to use his bandana to tie it up.”

The thing is, Gil doesn’t believe him. He’s not sure why, there’s no clear lie in there, and it’s not like him to doubt the things his drovers say. But Rowdy’s drawing patterns in the dirt with his shoes and refusing to make eye contact and he’s barely touched his food, so there’s probable cause to be suspicious.

“I’ll send you in,” He finally says, because he doesn’t see the harm in Rowdy going to town. 

Well… 

“I’ll send you in with Mushy,” He revises. “Neither of you can let the other get into trouble, y’hear? You’ll get your heads blown off, the both of you, if you cause something.” 

“Sure thing, Boss,” Rowdy says, lifting his head with a grin on his face. “I’ll be real careful.” 

+

When he sees Mushy on Rowdy’s horse, Rowdy leaning over his shoulder like a ragdoll, Favor thinks that maybe sending the two youngest boys on the drive into town together probably wasn’t the smartest idea.

He’s by Rowdy’s side before he can register himself moving.

“Mushy, what happened?” He demands.

“I don’t know, Mister Favor,” Mushy starts babbling. “We were in town and he was lookin’ for the bandages, then he just all of a sudden collapsed. We didn’t get the bandages, I brought him straight back. Said somethin’ about not bein’ able to breathe before he passed out in the store.” 

“Bandages?” Wishbone asks. “What was he gettin’ bandages for, anyway?” 

Gil turns to stare at Wishbone. “Said you told him to. Said we were out.” 

“We ain’t out. We got plenty. The boy’s hiding somethin’, Mister Favor, I can tell.” 

“Put him in the wagon,” Favor says. “I’ll take care of it when he wakes up.”

“What’re you gonna do, Mister Favor?” Mushy asks.

“Talk to him,” Gil says. “Try an’ figure out why he’s lyin’, why he’s passed out. If it’s a problem, we send him back home just like that.” 

+

Rowdy takes a long time to wake up. Gil is more worried than he’d care to admit. They push the cattle, all with Rowdy passed out.

“Seems real beaten up,” Wishbone tells him when they’ve stopped. “Kid’s a bunch of dead weight. Shallow breathing. An’ he’s sweating pretty bad. But he’s alive.”

“Likely he’ll stay that way?”

“If we figure out what’s wrong with him.”

Gil nods, and then he’s staring at Rowdy’s crumpled form and he could swear there wasn’t an in-between.

“Rowdy?” He says, half expecting Rowdy to open his eyes, get back up, and get on riding like nothing happened. 

He doesn’t consider himself before he’s crawling into the wagon next to his ramrod and moving his hair from his face.

“You had better tell me what happened when you wake up, alright?” 

Rowdy doesn’t say anything. Favor falls asleep in the wagon. 

+

“Mister Favor?” 

The first thing Gil opens his eyes to is Rowdy’s curious gaze.

He pushes himself so he’s sitting and coughs. “Rowdy. You’re awake.”

Rowdy presses a hand to his own chest, takes a deep breath, and says, “I think so, yeah. What happened?” 

Gil holds up a finger, signalling for Rowdy to wait, and then pokes his head outside of the wagon. It’s still dark outside. He sighs and settles back.

“You collapsed in town,” He says. “Said you couldn’t breathe, fell flat on the ground. Wish said he couldn’t find nothin’ wrong with you until you woke up, because you seemed fine other than the shallow breathing.”

Rowdy takes another shaky breath in. “Yeah, ‘bout that--” 

“You should have told me if you had a breathing problem,” Favor says. “This drive is no place for you, with a breathing problem.”

“I’m fine, Mister Favor, I swear it.” Rowdy tries to balance himself up a little better, but he ends up falling forward against Favor’s chest. 

“Rowdy.”

“Sorry, Boss.” 

Gil gently places his hands on Rowdy’s shoulders and pushes him back against the opposite side of the wagon. “It’s late, Rowdy. Nobody else is awake. Are you gonna tell me what the problem is? Or do you plan to keep on workin’ yourself to death.” 

Something flashes in Rowdy’s face. 

“Boss,” He says. “I-- I don’t know.” 

“You don’t know?”

“I mean, I don’t know if I should tell you.”

Gil frowns. He almost reaches out towards Rowdy, because the kid looks so goddamn scared, but he decides against it.

“You’re not gonna throw me in an asylum, are you, sir?” 

“Depends.” Gil shrugs. “You a threat?”

“No, Mister Favor, I’m not. And I ain’t sick, neither.” 

“Then we shouldn’t have a problem.”

Rowdy sighs and slumps down, his frame shaking a little. “All I need’s a day of rest, anyway, and I’ll be back out there. I could really just go back now, and that way I don’t cause no more trouble. I think that’s what’s best, anyway. Less trouble for you, less trouble for everyone else.” 

“Rowdy.”

“Besides, how do I know you won’t go on and tell?” 

“Tell what?” Gil feels his voice go stern, which is the last thing he wants right now, but he can’t help it. Rowdy is keeping something from him, and the kid has always been so eager to please. He doesn’t know how to deal with a situation like this. “No way of knowing until you tell me what’s the problem.” 

“Mister Favor, I ain’t no lady,” Rowdy blurts. His gaze falls to his lap. 

Favor feels his breath catch. 

“Never said you was.” 

“Never let you know.” 

A silence falls. Gil doesn’t know what to say. He isn’t entirely sure what’s going on.

“I’m sure you want to see,” Rowdy mumbles. “Stare at the freak.” And he’s already shedding layer after layer. “Crazy little girl, they said. But I’m no little girl, an’... an’ I’m certainly no lady.” 

Gil’s gaze catches on the ugly grooves and dents in Rowdy’s form, the way the bandages wrapped around his chest cut into his skin. The bruises and the splotches. 

“I ought’a talk to Wish--” He starts.

“Why, so you can… can send me off? I work hard, you know. You know I work hard. If I hadn’t dropped in the town, there wouldn't be a problem. I’ve got enough dignity, I can leave on my own, but you’re not getting me to a doctor or nothin’. Over my dead body.” 

“You’re  _ hurt.”  _

Rowdy falters. 

“I’m fine enough. If you just let me go on riding, nobody will be none the wiser.”

“They saw Mushy drag you in, they know something’s up. If I tell ‘em not to ask questions…” 

Something softens in Rowdy’s eyes. "You'd lie?"

“I’m not letting my ramrod go just like that. Not when you’ve done nothing wrong. ‘S’at what it takes to keep you?”

“Gee, Mister Favor…” Rowdy smiles, gaze down at his lap. “You’re not gonna treat me different or nothin’?” 

“Said it yourself,” Gil says. “You’re no lady.” 

+

Gil manages to get Rowdy out of the bandages and on his feet again, breathing straight and everything, after a couple straight hours of promising him he didn't look any different with just the layers. Wishbone tried to help, and he was pretty miffed when Rowdy insisted  _ only _ Favor see him until he’s better, but he left them alone anyway. 

“Boss?” 

Rowdy rides up next to Favor, and when he turns to look at Rowdy, he can see the concern written across Rowdy’s face.

“You alright, Rowdy?”

“Yeah, fine.” Rowdy nods. “S’just. I was wondering, and don’t get upset or nothin’, because I appreciate it, but… why are you helping me as much as you do? You’ve got no reason for having me here, shouldn’t be too hard to find a replacement. I’m still not sure why you hired me in the first place. I’m glad, though, ‘course I am. Jus’... what with me being… how I am, an’ all. Seems like a lot of hassle.” 

And now that he’s being asked, the question is suddenly a whole lot harder for Favor to answer. 

But the last thing Gil Favor will ever do is admit that he doesn't know why he's doing something.

"You're a good drover," He says. "A good man to have by my side. You don't have no problem takin' orders, or givin' orders out all the same. Sure, you can be trouble, but can't anyone? You seen Pete when he gets drinkin', you know."

Rowdy laughs, a small nervous chuckle. "Yeah, I know." He reaches up to scratch his cheek, and then rides away.

+

"Somethin's up with the kid," Pete says one morning. 

Gil has his hands tight around a cup of coffee, and as soon as Pete speaks, they go even tighter. "Y'think so?"

"Yeah." Pete sits down next to him. "He's keepin' something, I know it."

"You know it?"

"Matter of fact, I'm sure."

"Then what's he keepin'?"

Pete hesitates.

"What?"

"If you're so sure he's keepin' secrets," Gil says. "What's he keepin'?" 

"I don't know, but you seen the way he's--"

"It's none of your business."

"I just thought--"

"Well, stop thinkin'." 

Pete nods. He stares down at his plate, and after a moment, he walks away. Gil watches him leave, quietly nursing his coffee until someone else sits down next to him.

"You di'n't have to do that, you know," Rowdy's voice says next to him. "If he comes to me, I can hold my own."

"And what," Gil stares blankly ahead of him. "You'll tell him fast as you told me? Pete's pushy. More than I was."

"I could've not told you, sir, but I did." 

Gil hesitates. He takes a second to make sure his voice won't waver. 

"Why'd you, then?"

"On account of, you're a good man. If somebody had'ta know, why not you? You've got my back, don't you? If Pete gets pushy, you won't fire me for bein' suspicious-like 'cause you know I ain't all I say I am."

Favor can't think of an argument against him. 

"Finish your breakfast," He says. "We've got a long day ahead of us."

+

Rowdy lays down next to Gil when night falls.

"Mister Favor?"

"Hmm?"

"Did I wake you?"

"Wasn't sleeping."

There's a silence that Gil feels obligated to fill.

"You need somethin'?" He asks. 

Rowdy shifts next to him, and Favor finally turns to look. He looks… troubled. Curled up a little into himself.

"You think the guys would have trouble with me, if they knew?"

Gil frowns. "Does it really matter so much?"

"Guess not. Guess if you're fine, then it's all okay."

The silence settles over them again, thick and stuffy. Gil sits up and scrubs his hands over his face, trying to place the origin of that pull in his gut that's been more and more common the longer Rowdy's been around.

"What's that mean?"

"Means in the end yours is the opinion that matters most."

Gil watches as Rowdy pushes himself up sitting.

"Good thing it's dark," Rowdy mutters. "Wouldn't want you to see how much of a fool I am."

Then Gil's hand is on Rowdy's cheek before he can think about it, and their lips are pressed together, and Gil is shocking himself with how natural the whole thing is.

"Mister Favor," Rowdy says when the kiss breaks. "Mister Favor, you know I'm no lady, you know--"

"I know," Gil says. 

"Why'd you go an'... an' do that?"

Gil touches his fingers to his lips. 

"I'm askin' myself the same thing. I think…" He hesitates. "I think we ought'a jus' go to sleep an' forget about it."

Rowdy settles back down against his bedroll. "Guess you're right."

+

Gil finds that it's near impossible to forget about kissing Rowdy. He pretends that it never happened, sure, but it's on his mind the whole day.

"You alright?" Pete asks him. "You been actin' out of it all day."

"'Course I'm alright," Gil says. "How's it looking ahead?"

"Better than it's been yet. You know, if you've got a problem--"

"No problem. I swear it."

Except that Rowdy won't talk to him, and he can't stop thinking about the way his lips felt. The pull in his gut is back every time he looks at Rowdy, and now that he knows what it means, he hates it more than ever.

"If you say so, Boss," Pete says, and then he's gone.

+

Rowdy is gone as soon as they set up camp. Gil watches him go, and almost doesn't follow him.

Key word being almost.

"Rowdy," He says, standing a good few feet behind the boy and watching him stare out from where he's sitting on a log. 

Rowdy doesn't say anything 

"Rowdy," Gil says again.

"You don't think I wanted to be left alone?"

"You ain't been talking my ear off today, I got a reason to be concerned."

"Well, it ain't any of your problem anyway."

Gil takes a few steps closer to Rowdy and sits down on the log next to him. Rowdy turns away.

"If you think I gone and kissed you all because--"

"All because I'm a girl." Rowdy laughs sadly. "All any guy's kissed me for anyway. And the ladies ain't forgiving when they find out, so that's no better."

"'S'at why you never keep no one around?"

"S'pose so."

"Well I ain't kissed you 'cause I think you're a lady, and I know you're all the man you say you are."

Rowdy finally turns to look at him.

"Men always told me that ain't right," He says softly. "Like the only way I'll ever be liked is by bein' the girl I was s'posed to be. I never been a girl, so guess I was never meant to be liked either."

Gil puts his hand on Rowdy's cheek again.

"You trust me?" He asks. 

Rowdy smiles nervously. "As much as I've trusted anyone."

And then their lips connect again, and this time, Gil can really enjoy it. He can taste Rowdy's lips and card his hand through Rowdy's hair and take the time to realize that this is something he's wanted for a while, but he's never been able to admit it to himself.

Rowdy laughs against his lips. 

"Alright?" Gil asks.

Rowdy nods, pressing another kiss to Gil's lips. 

"Never been better."


End file.
